"The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun."
Ellen DeGeneres
"My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside."
Roseanne
"I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage."
Erma Bombeck
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner."
Lynda Montgomery
"I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV."
Tracy Smith
"I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds."
Wendy Liebman
"My favorite animal is steak."
Fran Lebowitz
"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth."
Janeane Garofalo
"I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow."
Margaret Smith
"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
Ellen DeGeneres
"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looks like."
Phyllis Diller
"Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
Lily Tomlin "Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you." Fran Lebowitz
"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone."
Elayne Boosler
"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison."
Tim Allen
"I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week."
Joel Lindley
"Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything."
Tim Allen
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
George Carlin
"Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it."
Daniel Lybra
"In a nutshell, just be good and kind to your children, because not only are they the future of the world, but they are the ones who can eventually sign you into the home."
Dennis Miller
"A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice."
Bill Cosby
"I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller."
Henny Youngman
"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates."
Jay Leno
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
Steven Wright
"New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved."
Johnny Carson
"I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a perm inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse."
Dennis Miller
"Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me."
Bobcat Goldthwait
"When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
Henny Youngman
"Anorexia is just another word for nothing left to lose."
Joy Behar
"I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that."
Howie Mandel
"Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you."
Ray Romano
"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Groucho Marx
"Every day people are straying away from the church, and going back to God."
Lenny Bruce
"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman knows."
Monica Piper
"I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
Mike Binder
"Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription ran out."
Steven Wright
"Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn't own a car."
Carrie Snow
"I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast."
Drew Carey
"Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it."
Dave Barry
"Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I've stepped in it a few times."
Rita Rudner
"I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids."
Rodney Dangerfield
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
A. Whitney Brown
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
Jon Stewart
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